Charting the course of your relationship

It occurred to me that metaphors are used as excuses for reality. “I’m between a rock and a hard place,” really means you don’t know how to handle an issue or where you are. Or “I feel like I’m swimming in a swamp filled with alligators;” likewise, it means you feel inept at dealing with confrontation.

Metaphors are used as escape tools to hide from an issue, person, place or thing. Metaphors are fanciful and try to distract the listener from the reality that, as actor Jack Nicholson once said, can’t handle the truth.

Have you ever heard a person describe the breakup of their relationship with, “We just drifted apart?” Of course you have. Why? People that say this are skirting the real issues that were the core problem within the separation or divorce. Why tell the truth when a metaphor sounds so much more pleasant? This is a cover-up worse than Watergate.

When you think about a boat, you visualize a piece of equipment that carries you across water. But to accomplish this you need a sail, an engine or a paddle. “Drifting” is the act of doing nothing. If you want to get to a destination you have to paddle, sail or steer with power. Therefore, if you drifted apart in a relationship, you’re admitting you did nothing to stop the breakdown. Remember, if you aren’t making waves, you’re not paddling fast enough!

A boat can be used to travel to new lands, view stellar sunsets, enjoy the company of another, seek peace and tranquility, smell the aroma of the salty sea and sense the exuberance of life beneath the ocean waves. Doing this by oneself isn’t the same. Have you ever seen a one-armed man row a boat by himself? All he’s doing is going in circles. When two people row, or together, they reach their destination.

If you’re getting into a boat, you better be ready to paddle. Just sitting there is not very exciting for anybody and won’t accomplish much. Drifting is boring and a stagnant reminder that you aren’t moving forward. Rocking the boat isn’t very productive either as each of these statements is metaphorically unproductive.

If you’re in the same boat, paddle together, start your engines, hoist those sails, turn up Jimmy Buffett on the speakers and never forget the lime and salt. Set a destination course for excitement and soak up and share the energy of the ride. Cruise as a couple, not as a sea soloist.

The currents will take you where they want to go - which is not necessarily where you want to go. People drift into divorce because they have not identified their destinations. All good relationships chart their course and do what it takes to get there.

You can drift, sail, cruise or paddle - it’s up to you. Sit and drift watching your first mate shrivel away with scurvy, or juice it up and ride over the tide!

Remember, you don’t have to be skinny to dip.

Terrance K. Phillips is a syndicated columnist and creator of the Relationship Rediscovery Workshops. He is also the author of The Divorce Disease - Options for a Cure; Heart Attack-ed and King of Cons. Info: www.focalpointbooks.com.