More than just words, vows are commitments

If you lose the race, why blame your shoes? Couples in troubled relationships often do just that - they find a reason to divert a consequence away from themselves, a probable co-conspirator. It always takes two people to cause a marriage failure. Couples in marriages that thrive and survive are vigilant in honoring their vows! In 1944, only 1.7% of all marriages in the U.S. ended in divorce. Americans are now faced with the stunning reality that marriages today have become a coin flip - 50/50. What has changed?

A failed marriage occurs when vows are vaporized. Vows are not words - vows are commitments. Disregard your vows and you cast aside your honor. Marriage is not just an “advanced” form of liking someone - it’s giving your heart to another with no fear of its safe return.

When you hear the term “save my marriage,” it indicates there’s trouble lurking within the relationship, a relationship of two people who supposedly loved one another at one time. But those who marinate in their marriages receive more flavorful benefits than those seeking a fast food fix. Marriage means commitment. Marriage means trusting your spouse with your own worst attributes without fear. Marriage means combining the actions of two people into one cohesive and successful couple. An exchange of trust occurs when vows are present.

Couples who create their own “mini-marriage seminars,” by communicating to one another for an hour per day, stay together! Communication is all about listening, not talking. Communication is most effective when leaning forward, holding hands and staring directly into the eyes of the other. Just as your eyes have vision, so do your actions.

No marriage is absent of some degree of conflict, but a conflict is not a reason to throw in the towel and walk away. A conflict occurs when two points are not in harmony with one another. Just as in music, one wrong note struck on a piano during a song containing a thousand notes doesn’t taint the remaining 999 correct notes. So don’t focus on one wrong note; focus on the melody, harmonies and instrumentation - the entire symphony.

Conflict is oftentimes caused by doubt. Doubting within your relationship is the disease of the inquisitive. It’s born of darkness and re-enforces the vague, the unsettled and the unclear. The act of doubting each other in a relationship is a weakness on both sides and an instigator of all quarrels. Doubt can be silenced through engaging communication. If you defer to silence, anger and the lack of action to work through your conflict, you have cast those noble vows aside. Remember: What you resist will persist.

My philosophy is that “Divorce is never a solution to unresolved conflict.” Resolving conflict is one of life’s greatest pleasures and should never be considered drudgery; rather, it’s an opportunity. The faith that springs from resolving conflict is often the strongest and best asset in a relationship.

Terrance K. Phillips conducts seminars and is a lecturer, relationship mediator and author of “The Divorce Disease – Options for a Cure” and “Heart Attack-ed.” Information: www.focalpointbooks.com.