Going back was not an option, especially with all those pissed-off spiders

My research assistant and I spent this past summer diligently seeking experiences outside the typical Mazatlán box. The following is a synopsis of a September field trip that left us sunburned and a little bloody, but still smiling.

Several months ago we came up with the brilliant idea of riding our bikes to the jungle and trying out the mountain bike course set up by local bike shop. Our first trip was in June and it was wonderful; nice trail, well-marked, well-maintained with pleasant gradients. In fact, this ride was such a blast, we came back for more. By the middle of August the trail was shaded by the rapidly growing jungle canopy. We enjoyed a verdant world of dappled sunlight and flitting butterflies while traversing a smooth, hard, single track. I commended my assistant on her keen research abilities, for this was truly a world-class experience. Now that we were familiar with the trail, we thought the ride could only get better.

We drove to the Pemex station in Cerritos, unloaded our bikes and met up with another friend. As we admired his new bike we expounded on the wonders of the coming ride. We also warned him there might be a little mud due to the recent rains. The first 200 meters of water-filled potholes wasn’t too bad, but the mud in the next gooey depression resembled sloppy concrete. The only casualties of this crossing were the clean bike and new shoes belonging to our now not-so-clean friend.

As our mud-caked trio plunged into the depths of the jungle, it quickly became apparent that the growth rate of the tropical forest exceeded our ability to fathom our coming fate. At first, it was just a few pesky vines hanging in the trail; then, thorn bushes with dagger-studded branches were encroaching on our path.

A third of the way through the course, I stopped and rinsed my arms with a water bottle to try and determine where all the blood was coming from. Along about this time our friend got crossed up in thorns and vines and went over the handlebars. Fortunately he is quite durable and has a reasonable sense of humor. My research assistant, clever girl that she is, allowed the guys to break trail and brought up the rear with only minor scratches. When she saw her bloody and frayed companions, she burst out laughing. Following a water break, we all agreed it couldn’t get any worse…could it?

After crossing the “Valley of Thorns,” we entered an organic tunnel of overhanging trees and vines. The trail was clear and we were clipping along when I felt the first spider web break across my face. As I started to slow, I blew through another web and out of the corner of my eye, saw a large multi-legged creature scuttle out of the way. I locked my brakes, slid to a halt and got rear-ended by our friend, who had no idea I was suffering an acute attack of arachnophobia. Fear and loathing etched on our features, we crept forward about 10 meters to the next web and I pointed out a spider the size of a small house cat. My research assistant looked at me with her blue eyes dancing and said she was still very happy to be the third person in line.

We finally emerged from the “Tunnel of 10,000 Spiders” only to find the trail completely obliterated by thick vegetation over a meter in height. Since we were almost at the end, going back was not an option, especially with all those pissed-off spiders. I discovered that if I picked up my bicycle and flung it into the dense foliage, I could take a couple of steps and then repeat the process.

After several hundred meters of bike and body abuse, we emerged into a clearing with Emerald Bay in plain view. It was one of the few times in my life I was actually glad to see a large commercial development. A bit of advice: if you’re planning a bike ride in the jungle at the end of the rainy season, you’ll need a first aid kit, several machetes, lots of water, plenty of time and some idiot foolish enough to break trail.

Bodie Kellogg is currently engaged in the comprehensive research of no-tell motels. This is the first investigative probe of its kind and the results will be coming soon to the pages of M!.